Sunshine, rainbows, butterflies

I have spent too much of this past year growing angry, hateful, and depressed instead of continuing to be loving, caring, and happy. At my place of employment we do a secret santa every year and after someone drawed my name last year they asked “what do you think of when you think of Kate?” and one chimed in “Sunshine and rainbows and butterflies!” and as such, that became my nickname. But now? I have let the negativity of others invade my life. Some people are not aware of their energy, how negative and soul-sucking it can be, and because of this I let go of my strength and happiness and let their anger and hatefulness overcome me. At first I just took it as a part of life, the older you get the more cynical and bitchy you become — but no. NO. That is not me at all! When my boyfriend met me he said he liked me because I was happy, always positive, always smiling but now? We’ve been together ~7 months and I’m always complaining to him, always telling him I’m depressed, always finding the negative and never focusing on what’s good and being happy. And that is not me at all! I need to get back to me. Back to spreading love and happiness and joy.

People could always count on me to cheer them up, to help them focus on the positive of a situation and not the negative, to help them overcome their sadness and now I feel as though all I do is add to their negativity, add to their depression. I complain. I whine. I tell Jordan about the bad parts of my day. I tell him I hate my job. I tell him how unhappy I am. I gossip with the girls at work. I am producing a negative energy that I fall into every day. But that all needs to change. I don’t live well when I’m unhappy. I am a happy person. Being negative is affecting my life negatively!

I want to focus on the good. I want to be at peace. Every day I want to remember what was good: as small and simple it may be. Today on my run I saw kids playing in their yard, their parents setting up Halloween decorations and this made my heart smile. This is what I’m about — the little, happy, uplifting things.

No longer will I be a negative nancy, I will be sunshine & rainbows & butterflies, just as before.

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