I am facing a major “quarter-life crisis.” At first I used that term as a joke, but it’s very apparent to me how very real this is. My generally happy and uplifting spirit and attitude towards life is nearly impossible to not fake lately. In fact, most of the time I am down right miserable; I’m sad, I’m scared, I don’t know, I’m moody, I over-react, I am so so sensitive, I can break out in tears in a matter of seconds (I’m urging back the tears and sniffles as I type this at work), the list goes on. And it all ever really comes down to a few things:
1) I’m 24 and I haven’t graduated college.
2) I am so unsure as of what to study now, where to go to school, how to go back to school while still having to work full-time (I mean, I know plenty of people do it..)
3) I’m not happy with my current job, not only is it not fufilling but I don’t get paid enough money.
4) I worry about money all. the. time.
5) I want to move out of Jordan’s place and I just can’t seem to find a place, or roommates. I can’t afford to live on my own no matter how badly I want to.
6) I’m so unsure of my future with Jordan it just makes me want to give up on it all, which is absolutely silly but I think this is mostly due to the 5 other things I’ve listed.
7) I want to pick up and move somewhere else, as if that will solve all my problems, right?
8) I don’t want to have to rely on anyone and that is just not realistic (and therefore, it is unfair).
I realize that I need to be absolutely grateful for the life I have, the love I have, the health and security I have that so many people do not have in my country and every other country, and in truth I am absolutely grateful for it all, but I just expect so much more out of myself. I have plenty of logical answers to all of these troubles, it is just so hard to listen to myself sometimes. I am a big mess. I am scared to move forward with my life. I am scared to mess up something good. I am scared to fail. I am scared of all of these things that in truth everyone are afraid of, so why are they paralyzing me and not other people (…I know that they probably are and I just am not there to witness/know it, much like how I don’t tell many people of my fears).
I JUST DON’T KNOW. That is all I can come up with. And because of that all I want to do is curl up in a ball, eat chocolate, run away, become a gypsy, and give up on ultimately doing anything positive with my life. I can be so dramatic. I know that realistically I am not alone in these feelings but at the moment it certainly feels that way. Facebook is so detrimental because I see everyone living their lives, graduating, getting great jobs, traveling, getting engaged/married/having a child… I just feel so behind, so left out. Where did it all go wrong for me? How did I mess things up for myself?
The above list, expanded:
1) Plenty of people are over the age of 24 finishing school. Or haven’t even started. Or won’t ever start/finish. That is not you. You will finish.
2) Well, this is a little tough. I think it is what worries me the most. UNC Charlotte is a business school and I don’t fancy studying business. It’s not what I’m interested in so I feel like I won’t be as dedicated. I want to study something I love. However, I don’t want to move back to Greensboro to finish studying Human Nutrition & Dietetics at UNC Greensboro. So what do I do? What do I study? Will I succeed? Do I go to community college (ugh, no, really, do I have to?!) Do I suck it up and move back to Greensboro (and leave Jordan)? This is mostly when I wish I could up and move to a different state entirely. And on top of it all, I’m very aware that my mother fears I will never finish school either. Which absolutely kills me. It’s not that I don’t want to! And I think that that is what she thinks.
3) I do not make enough money to survive on my own. I can barely afford to pay my bills, put food in my mouth, and put gas in my car. It’s very frustrating because I deserve more but it is not recognized (and I think the fact that I don’t have a degree is greatly affecting this). I spend a quarter of each paycheck on gas alone just for driving to and from work, and that is a small paycheck to begin with. Not only am I not making enough money, this job is just not worth it for me. I work at a desk all day long, I file paper and complete menial tasks that I’m pretty sure a monkey could do (and probably better). The factor of not liking my job, not getting enough money, and having to spend an arm and a leg on gas just to get here (its a 50 mile commute round-trip) make it really hard to enjoy life. And I do apply for jobs closer, but no one will hire me because I don’t have a degree (I’m certain that’s the reason).
4) Money, it is not the lesser of all evils, it is the single most evil, vile thing on the planet (in my life at least). I don’t make enough money. I have too many bills. I can’t afford a better car so I get a whopping 12mpg so I spent way too much money on gas. I can’t afford to take time off and go home to see my family whom I love dearly. I can’t afford to move out of Jordan’s place like I want to. I can’t afford anything and I’m constantly wishing that I could afford a better life. I know material things aren’t everything, but I just feel like I’m so much further behind then the rest of the class of 2006. Also, I get incredibly angry at “little girls” who spend their parents money on everything and brag about it. IF ONLY. (And that’s not to say my parents aren’t amazing, they pay my car insurance and phone bill and that is a huge and major help to me).
5) I want to live alone, but I can’t afford it. And it sucks. Living with Jordan is causing some tension in our relationship because it was supposed to be a temporary living arrangment – me living with him. It was just to get me down to Charlotte, supposed to last only 3 months. We’re going on 6. I don’t know anyone here really, so I can’t find roommates easily. I can’t afford the places I want to live and the ones I can Jordan warns me are very ghetto and doesn’t want me living there.
6) Speaking of Jordan. I just don’t know. I’ve tried to reason with him that I should just move-in permanently and he’s against it (and that’s not to say I don’t want to move out for my own reasons). But he uses the excuse of “what if we break up…” My head is not even near breaking up. My head is towards the future and being together forever (that God awful word). So the fact that he isn’t thinking the same way I am just concerns me, worries me, and makes me want to give up everything and run away, far far away. I mean I’m 24. He’s 28. We’ve been together for a year+. If you aren’t thinking you can marry me by now, what is the point of staying together, right? Wrong? What? You don’t know either? All I know is he makes me absolutely happy and I would love to spend the rest of my life with him… if only he felt the same way. Or was as sure of his feelings as me.
7) I want so badly to live somewhere else. To go to school where they have my program (nutrition) and it’s not Greensboro. Some options are Colorado and Arizona. And I want so badly to pick up and move there. But then I’d start the out-of-state process all over again and be out of school even longer.
8) I rely on Jordan for a place to live whether I like it or not. I pay him some money every month. And I also have to rely on him for money to do fun things. I can’t afford it. I use my paycheck for the necessities: bills, gas, food, and now Kobe. After that I have about $25 and it does go to a night out or something even though I should be saving it. But it’s awful, terrible, having to rely on someone at the age of 24. I’ve never been one to like that or want that. And here I am. It’s the worst feeling.
This is the worst feeling.
I give up.